The People Pleaser Archtype

The People Pleaser

“I don't want to let anyone down.”

The People Pleaser is thoughtful, caring and very aware of how other people are feeling. She's often the person others count on because she's helpful, dependable and pretty good at knowing what people need. Those are wonderful qualities. The problem isn't that she cares about people. It's that somewhere along the way, she may have learned that keeping other people happy is also her responsibility.

That can get exhausting!

When Caring Becomes a Pattern

People pleasing doesn't always look like what we think it does. It isn't necessarily someone desperately trying to get everyone to like her. Sometimes it's much quieter than that. It's saying yes because saying no feels uncomfortable. It's agreeing to something and immediately wishing you hadn't. It's rewriting an email three times because you're worried about how it will sound. It's avoiding a conversation because someone might be upset with you.

I've certainly done my share of this.

For a long time, I thought being a good person meant trying not to disappoint people. But those are two very different things. You can be kind and disappoint someone. You can love someone and disagree with them. You can make a decision that's right for you and have someone else wish you'd made a different one.

Their reaction doesn't automatically mean you made the wrong choice.

What Do You Want?

One of the interesting things about people pleasing is how good you can become at reading everyone else.

You know what your family wants. You know what your employees need. You can tell when a friend is irritated before she says a word. You walk into a room and pick up on the mood almost immediately. But when someone asks, “What do you want?” the answer can be surprisingly difficult. That's where I think curiosity helps.

Instead of judging yourself for saying yes again or avoiding another uncomfortable conversation, you can start noticing what you're afraid might happen if you don't. Maybe someone will be disappointed. Maybe they'll think differently about you. Maybe there will be an awkward conversation. And maybe you can handle that.

You Don't Have to Stop Being Nice

I don't think the answer to people pleasing is becoming tougher, caring less or suddenly saying no to everything.

Your kindness isn't the problem. It's simply learning to notice when you're doing something because you genuinely want to and when you're doing it because you're trying to control how someone else feels about you. There's a big difference!

You can still be generous, helpful and thoughtful. You just get to include yourself in the group of people whose feelings and needs matter.

A Question to Think About

Where in your life are you saying yes mostly because you're afraid of what might happen if you say no?